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An Incredible Story of Child Marriage.

Evah Wambui – 19 years old – got pregnant when she was 16 years old in high school. Having a typical African mother, she was asked to go live with the boy who got her pregnant.

This is how the life of Evah as a child bride began. She went ahead and lived with her boyfriend’s family who mistreated her for bringing “shame” into their family.

All this time, her boyfriend stayed in school.

After she gave birth, she could not bear the ridicule and so she went back to her mother’s house.

Evah’s mother accepted her on the condition that she had to work on people’s farms as a casual laborer to feed her child.

Evah’s story is just one of the many in Kenya.

Child Marriage is still rampant in Kenya, especially among rural communities. It affects both boys and girls but girls are more affected due to socio-economic and cultural factors.

According to the Demographic Health Survey (DHS) 2014, 4% of girls were married by the age of 15 years while 23% were married by the age of 18 years in Kenya.

However, child marriage rates vary across regions with North Eastern and Coast regions having the highest prevalence rates, while the Central region and Nairobi have the lowest rates.

Girls married early are exposed to lifetime violence and are entrapped in the cycle of poverty. Child brides often live in isolation, dependent on their husbands and with little access to education, health or protection from violence and abuse.

What’s the child marriage rate? How big of an issue is child marriage?

In Kenya the legal age of marriage is eighteen years (18) and above, 43.3% percent of girls get married before they attain this age. The main reasons are poverty, tradition and gender inequality.

Just imagine this, If nothing is done to change this trend, an estimated 70 million girls will be married as children over the next five years. This translates to tens of thousands of girls every day.

We have a Mission here at Protect A Girls’ Image.

We continue to encourage parents and community members about the importance of education and the need not only to send their children to school but also to ensure that they complete the school cycle.

Teacher Wanjiku, a Senior teacher of Kangai Primary School, says “slowly but surely, parents are beginning to see the importance of education for their children. It is only through education that we can eradicate poverty. We need to involve other communities in Kirinyaga County to embrace the project and continue to encourage both boys and girls to complete the school cycle.”

 

Where rape turns to marriage.

In other cases, parents reach an agreement with the families of men who sexually assault their daughters so that both families save face.

Waithera (name withheld) was walking home from school shortly after dusk when she was grabbed and taken into her father’s maize farm.

The culprit named Njoroge raped her and when she reported this to her father, he informed the area chief who held the suspect for two days.

Meanwhile, the chief, Waithera’s father, and Njoroge’s family met and agreed that they get married since she was “no longer innocent”. The girl’s opinion did not count.

It may be difficult to imagine that there are still communities where such barbaric practices are legal. But the reality is that it remains widespread – particularly in developing nations.

 

RELATED CONTENT: Ten Ways to Teach Your Children About Consent at Every Age.

What causes child marriage to happen and what are the effects?

What causes child marriage and the effects

The causes of child marriage are complex and varied, motivated by different factors across communities and regions – sometimes, even within the same country.

Child marriage is often driven by engrained traditions and poverty. 

For struggling families, their best chance of survival may require marrying their daughters off, just because they can’t afford to keep them. Overwhelmingly, child brides come from the world’s most impoverished communities.

Poverty.

Within these contexts, girls (and women) aren’t seen as potential wage earners. Rather, they are financial burdens to their families and consequently, less valuable than boys.

For parents with several children or living in extreme poverty, child marriage is simply a way to help alleviate the desperate economic conditions they find themselves in.

It’s one less mouth to feed and one less education to fund.

Sometimes, girls are married to help offset debts, settle conflicts or as a substitute for money.

Worse still, families may have no choice but to arrange a younger daughter’s marriage along with her sister’s, if a cheaper “package deal” can be had.

There are so many ways in which child marriage creates economic incentives for young girls to be married off early – whether for financial security or gain.

Sadly, the practice also tends to trap these girls into a lifetime of economic disadvantage.

Poverty is one of the key causes of child marriage, but it’s also an ongoing consequence.

Robbed of the chance to grow, learn and fully realize her potential, child brides are disempowered.

Tradition.

Child marriage can also be influenced by norms and beliefs. In some societies, marriage is nothing more than a phase of womanhood.

Once menstruation starts, a girl is seen as a grown woman, so the logical next steps for her in life are marriage and motherhood.

Younger girls may also be perceived as more amenable, more easily shaped into an obedient wife.

In many cultures, girls who have lost their virginity are considered “ruined” or “unsuitable” for marriage.

Parents may arrange a union for their daughter while she is young to ensure she remains a virgin and to maximize her child-bearing years.

Survival.

For other families, forced child marriage is a survival strategy.

If they cannot afford to feed and educate all of their children, marrying off the girls would be “the next best thing” to starving, while also allowing them to give preference to boys’ schooling.

Education.

Child marriage statistics show that girls who aren’t in school face a greater risk of becoming child brides.

Girls who have no education are three times more likely to marry before 18 than girls who attended secondary school or higher.

When girls have access to education, they develop the knowledge and confidence to make important life decisions for themselves – including if, when and who to marry.

Even for those in school, early marriage can significantly impact a girl’s ability to continue with education.

Many are forced to drop out in order to focus on domestic responsibilities or to raise children of their own.

Parents and community leaders may see education as unnecessary for their primary roles in life as a wife and mother.

Adolescent pregnancy.

Child marriage is seen as a safeguard against immoral behavior.

A 2012 Plan study shows that parents in Kilifi and Kwale married off pregnant daughters to protect their family status and name, and to receive both dowry and a “penalty” payment from the man responsible for the pregnancy.

Children are respected more when their mother is married, and become ng’ide awi (children of the home) rather than ng’ide akeor (children of the field).

Among Kuria communities, young pregnant girls are sometimes married off to older women who cannot bear sons, in a tradition known as Nyumba boke.

Partying.

The practice of partying at discos after funerals or in local centers has also been cited as a driver of teenage pregnancy which sees girls drop out of school and seek early marriage.

 

What are our measures in eradicating child marriage?

Apart from Raising School Fees for children to go back to School in Kangai Village, we are implementing ways on how to tame and end child marriage in Kenya. They are the following:

  • Implementation of the Children Act
  • Creating awareness of the effects of child marriage.
  • Involving fathers.
  • Adequate Funding.
  • Mentorship.
  • Reporting cases of child marriage.
  • Delaying child marriage by taking the girls to school.

Protect A Girls’ Image pledges to link up with many strong groups and do more than we currently do to enable communities to have the knowledge to abandon this practice and pursue the Goal of having an Educated generation.

 

Related Content>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What Is Rape Culture in Kenya??

6 Tips on How To Nurture a Child’s Mental Health.

Catcalling is not a Compliment, It’s Harassment.

6 Tips on How to Nurture a Child’s Mental Health.

If you had one wish for your children, what would it be? For me, I always think about how I want my children to be happy and strong physically and emotionally.

As the children we care for at Protect A Girls’ Image get older and more submerged into the world around them, I often find myself hard-pressed on how well they will be able to cope after they grow up and leave their rural homes.

February 3rd to February 9th was Child’s Mental Health Awareness Week, a topic near and dear to my heart. During that week I kept asking myself, Have we really prepared these children for the trials and tribulations of life that is to come? Have we implemented all the tools necessary to ensure a happy life for them?

Surely we can’t guarantee their happiness, but we can give them a strong foundation for their mental health – and that could be everything. Sometimes happiness sounds a lot like the main components of mental health.

As a parent, you can really get overwhelmed by scary statistics about how children are having mental health issues all over the world. The Good news is you have great power when it comes to nurturing your children’s mental health.

 

How common are mental health problems among children and youth?

One in four Kenyans is likely to suffer from a mental illness at some point in their life and they will find it difficult to get the healthcare they need, reveals a Nation Newsplex investigation.

The review of mental health data also finds that the suicide rate for men is three times higher than the rate for women. Figures from the World Health Organization (WHO) show that the suicide rate per 100,000 people in Kenya is seven, with the rate for men being 11 and women three.

Mental health issues can affect youth at any age. But certain situations can place some young people at a higher risk, including:

  • A family history of mental illness.
  • Children who experience difficult economic circumstances.
  • Children and youth who have poorer overall health, live in isolated communities and have scarce educational and work-related opportunities.
  • Children and youth who experience bullying and/or rejection from their families.
  • Big life changes such as moving to a new city or new school, caregiver separation or divorce, serious illness or death in a close relative or friend.
  • Facing or witnessing trauma, including abuse.
  • Substance use.

Unfortunately, too many children and youth don’t get help soon enough. Mental health disorders can prevent children and youth from succeeding in school, from making friends, or becoming independent from their parents.

Children and youth with mental health disorders may have trouble reaching their developmental milestones.

The good news is that mental health disorders are treatable. There are many different approaches to helping children and youth struggling with emotional or mental health problems.

Getting help early is important. It can prevent problems from becoming more serious and can lessen the effect they have on your child’s development.

How do I know if my child or youth has a mental health problem?

All children and youth are different. If you’re concerned your child may have a problem, look at whether there are changes in the way they think, feel or act.

Mental health problems can also lead to physical changes. Ask yourself how your child is doing at home, at school, and with friends.

Changes in thinking

  • Saying negative things about themselves or blaming themselves for things beyond their control.
  • Trouble concentrating.
  • Frequent negative thoughts.
  • Changes in school performance.

Changes in feelings

  • Reactions or feelings that seem bigger than the situation.
  • Seeming very unhappy, worried, guilty, fearful, irritable, sad, or angry.
  • Feeling helpless, hopeless, lonely or rejected.

Changes in behavior

  • Wanting to be alone often.
  • Crying easily.
  • Showing less interest in or withdrawing from sports, games or other activities that they normally enjoy.
  • Over-reacting, or sudden outbursts of anger or tears over small incidents.
  • Seeming quieter than usual, less energetic.
  • Trouble relaxing or sleeping.
  • Spending a lot of time daydreaming.
  • Falling back to less mature behaviors.
  • Trouble getting along with friends.

 

Physical changes

  • Headaches, tummy aches, neck pain, or general aches and pains.
  • Lack of energy, or feeling tired all the time.
  • Sleeping or eating problems.
  • Too much energy or nervous habits such as nail-biting, hair twisting or thumb sucking.

Remember: Just because you notice one or more of these changes does not mean your child or youth has a mental health problem.

 

As an advocate for mental health, I want to share tips on how you can help nurture children’s mental health. Here are just a few :

 1. Build Their Self-esteem.

Helping your children develop strong self-esteem so that they feel good about themselves is very important. You should create a sense of safety and security by building confidence in their abilities. You can do this by;

  • Praise them when they do well. Recognize their efforts as well as what they achieve: Regularly support and encourage your child. Make sure to praise their efforts, achievements, and to believe them and believe in them.
  • Let Them Learn Naturally: Promote independent learning. Have your child experience and accept the natural consequences of life and experience the benefits of positive actions as well.
  • Encourage Healthy Self-Talk: Use words of encouragement and daily affirmations.
  • Show lots of love and acceptance. Your child needs to feel like they are invited, accepted and loved. Make sure to spend family time together, play with them and remind them how valuable they are.
  • Ask questions about their activities and interests.
  • Help them set realistic goals.

 

2. Model Healthy Behavior.

Children learn from the behavior modeled by the important adults in their life – so be sure to lead by example the best strategies regarding self-care, healthy social interactions, communication, and emotional stability.

 

 3. Establish Healthy Habits.

Do not underestimate how much creating healthy habits at home can impact a child. Make sure your child is getting enough rest, eating healthy foods and getting enough playtime. So what more can you do?

  • Be aware of your child’s media use, both the content and the amount of time spent on screens. This includes TV, movies, the Internet, and gaming devices. Be aware of who they might be interacting with on social media and online games.
  • Be careful about discussing serious family issues—such as finances, marital problems, or illness—around your children. Children can worry about these things.
  • Provide time for physical activity, play, and family activities. Physical activity is important to our overall mental wellness and therefore a healthy home environment should include activity, play, and family interaction.
  • Be a role model by taking care of your own mental health: Talk about your feelings. Make time for things you enjoy.

 

4. Help children build strong, caring relationships.

A strong relationship consists of communication, respect, trust, problem solving and affection. Healthy relationships share common goals and responsibilities as well as acceptance and commitment. Further, strong relationships will promote resilience which is the ability to tolerate difficult situations in positive ways. This is what you can do;

  • It’s important for children and youth to have strong relationships with family and friends. Spend some time together each night around the dinner table.
  • Show your children how to solve problems.

 

RELATED CONTENT:  Tips on How Parents Can Help Children who have Experienced Trauma.

 

5. Listen to and Respect their Feelings and Reactions.

Listen to how your child is feeling and validate their emotions. Guide your child through big feelings and show them important coping mechanisms and ways to manage challenges (like meditation). Teach them the importance of expressing their emotions through language. You should know that;

  • It’s OK for children and youth to feel sad or angry. Encourage them to talk about how they feel.
  • Keep communication and conversation flowing by asking questions and listening to your child. Mealtime can be a good time for talking.
  • Help your child find someone to talk to if they don’t feel comfortable talking to you.
  • Children often learn from modeling; with exposure to a variety of feelings, language, and coping mechanisms, children, in turn, will become more self-aware

 

6. Distress tolerance.

Finally, children require direction on learning to relax and self-soothe; talking, quiet activity, walking and alone time are all healthy reactions to stressful situations.  In difficult situations, you can help children and youth by;

  • Teach your child how to relax when they feel upset. This could be deep breathing, doing something calming (such as a quiet activity they enjoy), taking some time alone, or going for a walk.
  • Talk about possible solutions or ideas to improve a situation and how to make it happen. Try not to take over.

 

When do I go for help?

There are many ways to help your child achieve good mental health. Sharing your concerns with the doctor is one of them. Talk to your child’s doctor:

  • if the behaviors described above last for a while, or if they interfere with your child’s ability to function.
  • if you have concerns about your child’s emotional and mental health.
  • Talk about your child’s behavioral development and emotional health at each well-child visit.

 

INCASE YOU MISSED IT:  Catcalling is Not a Compliment, It’s Harassment.

Your child’s mental health matters.

Good mental health is essential to overall health in every child. When you strengthen your child’s mental health not only are you positively affecting how your child thinks feels and behaves, you are increasing their chances of success in school, with peers, and in life.

These guidelines aren’t just for children either, but are important for everyone looking to take care of their mental health! If you enjoyed this post, you might want to read this post on how you can teach your child about sex and consent at every age.

 

 

Catcalling is not a Compliment, It’s Harassment!!

When I go to the shop every morning, our gate man and his friends will not let a lady pass by the gate without uttering words like “mrembo leo hunisalimii?”- “Beautiful come and say hi”. You can imagine how you look in the morning – baggy t-shirt or hoodie, sweatpants or tights, and they still catcall us which is very irritating. Most of the times I just pass by without saying anything or when am in a good mood I just wave and move along.

I am sure millions of women and girls around the world will have heard phrases like that. “Hey Sexy!” “Hey Beautiful!” “Ouh your body this or that!” or something like it. Some might say that it’s harmless, just a joke, or perhaps even a compliment.

But to be honest catcalling is none of those things. It’s an explicit demonstration of power, one that is intended to frighten or intimidate the person it’s addressed to. It is based in deep-rooted gender inequality, which sees women’s bodies as not their own.

 

In my opinion, in the context of gender, harassment often ends up being a way for men to exert control over women and their bodies. Shouting a crude comment about a woman’s appearance suggests entitlement to her body. Groping or stalking or simply standing too close without a woman’s permission shows entitlement to her space. Expecting a woman to talk to you while or after you harass her displays entitlement to her time. Do You Agree?

 

What is Catcalling?

Catcalling is when an individual whistles, shouts, or makes sexual comments toward another individual as they are walking by. Women are often the ones faced with having to deal with this ridiculous issue. The fact that I get a little nervous when I decide to get dressed up because I don’t feel like getting harassed, is a problem. You shouldn’t have to feel self-conscious or nervous every time you get dressed to head out the door or every time you pass by men on the street.

What is Street Harassment?

Street harassment is one of the most pervasive forms of violence against women and girls. It’s a type of sexual harassment and includes catcalling, unwanted comments, gestures, honking and uninvited sexual advances from strangers in a public place.

When you face harassment as part of your daily life, whether it’s while going for a run or getting the bus to see friends, what does that do? It holds you back right?

You are compelled to change your clothes, or routes to work just to try to avoid it. It can even  prevent you from working, from socialising, from learning, and from living with freedom and dignity.

This is not acceptable. No woman or girl should feel afraid in the streets of her own city.

Did you Know Poverty makes girls more vulnerable to harassment??

We help and interact with many women and girls in the rural areas we operate and they have stories to tell about street harassment. One would think thank living in the rural areas is a bit safer than urban areas but we were wrong.

Women and girls living in poverty are even more vulnerable to this sort of street harassment. For example, Rose Wanjiru attends a local school in Kangai village, Kenya. She is only 12 years old, but she and her friends are often harassed by men as they walk to and from school. Rose says:

“On my way home, we often get catcalls from the farm workers and boda boda [motorcycle taxi] riders. My biggest wish is that we get an education, the men should leave us alone.”

 

RELATED CONTENT: See How we are Raising Funds to help our Beneficiaries like Rose to stay in school.

How Protect a Girls Image is helping girls who are experiencing street harassment.

Jackline Wamwitha, Our eldest girl belongs to the Protect a Girls Image-supported girls’ club at her school. The club is a safe spacewhere the girls learn about their rights and gain the confidence to report harassment and abuse. Jackline looks out for other girls at school. She says: “I tell my friends: don’t pay attention to those men.”

In addition to girls’ clubs, Protect a Girls Image is working with women’s groups and training government officials, police, health workers and legal advisers in Kenya on how to best to tackle violence against women and girls.

By working closely with local commuities, PGIO is tackling gender-based street harassment at its root, by challenging the behaviours and gender inequalities that cause it.

 

READ MORE: Our Visit to Kangai Sunday School  Support Club. – Talks on Menstruation, Sex, Consent and Safety.

 

How Should You Deal with Street Harassment?

 Ignore It

Sometimes, no response is the best response (especially if you’re concerned about escalating the situation). Some harassers might enjoy any sort of attention, so ignoring the foolishness is the best bet. Hopefully, they will eventually get a clue and stop catcalling completely.

 Respond

If you’re a quick thinker with a strong voice, then responding may be a good choice. If you feel safe enough to do so, assertively respond to the harassers calmly, firmly and without insults or personal attacks to let them know that their actions are unwelcome, unacceptable and wrong. It’s one way to turn the situation around.

Show Compassion

Sometimes kindness is the most unexpected, confusing, and wonderful response of all. So if some guy is saying garbage about your appearance, you can respond with quiet sympathy. “You must be in a bad place to comment on stranger’s bodies like that. I hope life gets better for you.” You can say, with full sincerity. Then sashay away!

Report to Employer

If you are being harassed at work you can air your views and let Human Resources know that their employees are harassing people on the job and why that is unacceptable. I know you might be thinking “what will my colleagues think and what if I lose my job” If we don’t start standing up for ourselves now then when?

Step In

If you see a lady being harassed, please help them out of the situation and let the harasser know that their actions are not condoned by others. Ask her if she wants help and what she’d like you to do or simply check in to see if she is OK. Majority of street harassers look to other men for approval so they might gang up on you.

 

What will you Do to Help Girls facing Street Harassment??

If you Donate to Protect A Girls’ Image Education Funding>>>HERE, you can help us support more Girls in School, so that they can be educated on preventing and responding to harassment and violence. Here’s what your money could do:

  • $80  could help educate girls and ensure they are aware of their rights
  • $5 could help girls carry their books to school.
  • $10 could help get a Dozen of Books for each girl, to write down everything  they learn.
  • $3 could help buy a Dozen of Pens for them to write with.

 

SUMMARY

The most common defense that men have against this issue is that catcalls are their way of “complimenting” a woman’s looks. Going up to a woman and telling her she’s beautiful is one thing, but shouting “damn!” “hey sexy!” or whistling and honking the car horn as a woman walks by is a different story.

Catcalling can even get to the point of being dangerous if women decide defend themselves or ignore the cat-callers, because often they will get offended causing them to act in an aggressive or intimidating manner by name calling or going as far as assaulting women. It’s important that you assess your situation and ensure your safety before responding.

What men need to understand is that catcalling is not cute, funny, or complimenting. It’s harassment, degrading, and disgusting. It lets women know they are being objectified and looked at as nothing more than a piece of meat. It makes women feel as though they have no rights or values. Women are not dogs to be whistled at and they are not sexual objects. Women are more than their looks. Women have the right to be treated with as much respect and dignity when walking down the street as any man. Women deserve to feel safe!!

RELATED CONTENT

Ten Ways to Teach your Children Consent at every Age.

Ten Tips on how Parents can Help Children who have experienced Trauma.

Skills that Dad’s should teach their 13year Old Daughters in 2020.

 

10 Tips on How Parents can Help Children who Have Experienced Trauma.

As much as parents try to keep their children safe, it is not always possible be to protect them from impending traumatic experiences. In the wake of a traumatic event, your comfort, support and reassurance as a parent can make children feel safe, help them manage their fears, guide them through their grief, and help them recover in a healthy way.

Before I get into it, let us first be clear what trauma is.

What Is Trauma?

Trauma is an emotional response to an intense event that threatens or causes harm. The harm can be physical or emotional, real or perceived, and it can threaten the child or someone close to him or her. Trauma can be the result of a single event, or it can result from exposure to multiple events over time.

Potentially traumatic events may include:

  • Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional).
  • Effects of poverty (such as homelessness or not having enough to eat).
  • Being separated from loved ones.
  • Witnessing harm to a loved one or pet.
  • Natural disasters or accidents.
  • Unpredictable parental behavior due to addiction or mental illness among many other things that affect a child.

 

 How does Trauma affect your children?

The intense, confusing, and frightening emotions that follow a traumatic event or natural disaster can be even more pronounced in children and teens. Such events can undermine their sense of security, leaving them feeling helpless and vulnerable—especially if the event stemmed from an act of violence, such as a physical assault, mass shooting, or terrorist attack. Even kids or teens not directly affected by a disaster can become traumatized when repeatedly exposed to horrific images of the event on the news or social media.

1. Bodies

  • Inability to control physical responses to stress
  • Chronic illness, even into adulthood (heart disease, obesity.

2. Brains (Thinking)

  • Difficulty thinking, learning, and concentrating
  • Impaired memory
  • Difficulty switching from one thought or activity to another

3. Emotions (feeling)

  • Low self-esteem
  • Feeling unsafe
  • Inability to regulate emotions
  • Difficulty forming attachments to caregivers
  • Trouble with friendships
  • Trust issues
  • Depression, anxiety Behavior
  • Lack of impulse control
  • Fighting, aggression, running away
  • Substance abuse
  • Suicide

 

RELATED CONTENT: Ten Ways to teach your children about consent at every age.

How do you help your child heal from trauma?

1. TEACH YOUR CHILD TO TALK.

It is important to remember two words when working with anyone experiencing trauma and hurt: “hope” and “encouragement.” This isn’t about telling someone they should paint over all their problems with happy thoughts. Instead, it is about offering a way out from the despair left over from trauma.

Talk to your child about what happened. There is no way to manage trauma without at least acknowledging that it happened. Most people are raised in homes where no one talks about “the elephant in the room.” But if you want to help a person heal from any type of hurt or trauma, it is important to discuss it.

Once you begin talking about difficult subjects, you give your child permission to as well. You are teaching them it is okay to talk about these things.

Reassure your child. The event was not their fault, you love them, and it’s OK for them to feel upset, angry, or scared.

Don’t pressure your child into talking. It can be very difficult for some kids to talk about a traumatic experience. A young child may find it easier to draw a picture illustrating their feelings rather than talk about them. You can then talk with your child about what they’ve drawn.

Be honest. While you should tailor the information you share according to your child’s age, honesty is important. Don’t say nothing’s wrong if something is wrong.

Do “normal” activities with your child that have nothing to do with the traumatic event. Encourage your child to seek out friends and pursue games, sports, and hobbies that they enjoyed before the incident. Go on family outings to the park or beach, enjoy a games night, or watch a funny or uplifting movie together.

 

2. ENCOURAGE PHYSICAL ACTIVITY.

Physical activity can burn off adrenaline, release mood-enhancing endorphins, and help your child sleep better at night.

Find a sport that your child enjoys. Activities such as basketball, soccer, running, martial arts, or swimming that require moving both the arms and legs can help rouse your child’s nervous system from that “stuck” feeling that often follows a traumatic experience.

Offer to participate in sports, games, or physical activities with your child. If they seem resistant to get off the couch, play some of their favorite music and dance together. Once a child gets moving, they’ll start to feel more energetic.

Encourage your child to go outside to play with friends or a pet and blow off steam.

Schedule a family outing to a hiking trail, swimming pool, or park.

Take younger children to a playground, activity center, or arrange play dates.

 

3. TEACH YOUR CHILD TO TRUST THEMSELVES.

Children are often impressionable. It is so easy to teach a child that they cannot trust themselves. Particularly in abusive homes, children are taught not to feel or to think on their own. They are usually taught to do what their parent says without question and to overlook their own experiences.

Teaching a child to trust their intuition is not overly difficult, though it often takes time. Start by having a discussion with your child about how important it is to trust one’s own inner voice, or conscience. Continue asking your child how they feel about certain experiences. This act will help your child learn that to look inside is an important aspect of life.

 

4. MINIMIZE MEDIA EXPOSURE.

Children who’ve experienced a traumatic event can often find relentless media coverage to be further traumatizing. Excessive exposure to images of a disturbing event—such as repeatedly viewing video clips on social media or news sites—can even create traumatic stress in children or teens who were not directly affected by the event.

Limit your child’s media exposure to the traumatic event. Don’t let your child watch the news or check social media just before bed, and make use of parental controls on the TV, computer, and tablet to prevent your child from repeatedly viewing disturbing footage.

As much as you can, watch news reports of the traumatic event with your child. You can reassure your child as you’re watching and help place information in context.

Avoid exposing your child to graphic images and videos. It’s often less traumatizing for a child or teen to read the newspaper rather than watch television coverage or view video clips of the event.

 

5. SHOW YOUR CHILD HOW TO GRIEVE.

Most children (and really, most adults) are not taught how to grieve. Most people are taught “Don’t cry,” “Keep difficult emotions to yourself,” “Be strong,” “Move on,” and other similar methods of coping with loss. When working with emotionally injured children, you can best help them by not only teaching them how to talk about their feelings, but also about how to grieve.

How do you do this? There are a couple of ways:

One is through personal example. Here, you demonstrate your own grief about something.

Another is when you ask your child questions, such as, “What do you miss about so-and-so?” Or, “If you could talk to so-and-so, what would you say?” Try to ask open-ended questions that generate feelings.

Grieving involves processing through feelings until they are complete. Children need not analyze this concept. They just need permission to talk, cry, be angry, and express their emotions until they are done. Grief is finished when it’s finished. There is no timeline for grief, and everyone processes emotions on their own schedule. Talk to your child about these concepts and give them permission to “process” through any feelings at their own pace.

 

6. FEED YOUR CHILD A HEALTHY DIET.

The food your child eats can have a profound impact on their mood and ability to cope with traumatic stress. Processed and convenience food, sugary foods and snacks can create mood swings and worsen symptoms of traumatic stress. Conversely, eating plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, high-quality protein, and healthy fats, especially omega-3 fatty acids, can help your child better cope with the ups and downs that follow a disturbing experience.

Focus on overall diet rather than specific foods. Kids should be eating whole, minimally processed food—food that is as close to its natural form as possible.

Limit fried food, sweet desserts, sugary snacks and cereals, and refined flour. These can all exacerbate symptoms of traumatic stress in kids.

Be a role model. The childhood impulse to imitate is strong so don’t ask your child to eat vegetables while you gorge on soda and French fries.

Cook more meals at home. Restaurant and takeout meals have more added sugar and unhealthy fat so cooking at home can have a huge impact on your kids’ health. If you make large batches, cooking just a few times can be enough to feed your family for the whole week.

Make mealtimes about more than just food. Gathering the family around a table for a meal is an ideal opportunity to talk and listen to your child without the distraction of TV, phones, or computers.

 

7. TEACH YOUR CHILD ABOUT BOUNDARIES.

One important topic you can introduce to your child is the concept of boundaries. Boundaries can be physical and emotional. Physical boundaries include a person’s body and physical space. Emotional boundaries include how a person is treated emotionally, mentally, and psychologically.

Art is one effective intervention for teaching children this concept. You can draw a picture of a line, wall, or some type of boundary indicator. On one side of the line, write down attributes of healthy boundaries, such as, “respect,” or “does not touch me in a way that is unsafe.” On the “boundary violation” side of the barrier, write a list of unhealthy boundary violators, such as “name calling,” or “yelling.” You and your child can create this drawing together.

Of course, you will need to use age-appropriate language. The main concern is to teach your child emotional intelligence and about how to protect themselves from unsafe relationships.

 

8. IDENTIFY THE ‘HURT SELF’ AND THE ‘STRONG SELF’.

Teach your child that it is okay to talk about difficult memories. Explain that they have a “hurt self” that needs to be healed. In addition, let your child know they aren’t only hurt, but that they also have a “healthy self” or “strong self” capable of overcoming hard things. The strong self will help heal the hurt self.

To help your child identify what is hurt, you can ask questions about thoughts, fears, feelings, and dreams. See if your child can identify how they experience the pain from the trauma they have endured. If your child is not interested in going that deep, just talk to them. Say, “I know you are hurt. Here are some suggestions for helping yourself heal.”

It is helpful for parents and other significant leaders in a child’s life to learn how to teach them important life lessons, especially those involving emotions. Since most people generally do not understand emotional health, this can prove challenging—mainly, because most people haven’t been taught themselves.

I recommend drawing two pictures for your child: one a hurt child, and one a healthy child. The hurt child could look sad and have tears. The strong child could look steadfast and concerned. Teach your child that these two “parts of self” exist within them, and that their job is to learn how to nurture and heal the hurt part of the self.

 

9. REBUILD TRUST AND SAFETY.

Trauma can alter the way a child sees the world, making it suddenly seem a much more dangerous and frightening place. Your child may find it more difficult to trust both their environment and other people. You can help by rebuilding your child’s sense of safety and security.

Create routines. Establishing a predictable structure and schedule to your child’s or teen’s life can help to make the world seem more stable again. Try to maintain regular times for meals, homework, and family activities.

Minimize stress at home. Try to make sure your child has space and time for rest, play, and fun.

Manage your own stress. The more calm, relaxed and focused you are, the better you’ll be able to help your child.

Speak of the future and make plans. This can help counteract the common feeling among traumatized children that the future is scary, bleak, and unpredictable.

Keep your promises. You can help to rebuild your child’s trust by being trustworthy. Be consistent and follow through on what you say you’re going to do.

If you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t be afraid to admit it. Don’t jeopardize your child’s trust in you by making something up.

Remember that children often personalize situations. They may worry about their own safety even if the traumatic event occurred far away. Reassure your child and help place the situation in context.

 

 10. IDENTIFY HURTING BELIEFS AND HEALING BELIEFS.

Help your child identify things they tell themselves about life or personal identity. Beliefs children often have when hurt tend to be very personalized; beliefs such as, “I am unlovable,” “The world is not safe,” or “I will never be happy again.” Any type of negative, devaluing belief can be ingrained in a child’s head for years, decades, or even a lifetime. It is beneficial to help your child identify these beliefs early on.

Have your child write down a list of unhealthy beliefs. Some include thoughts such as, “If I were a better child, my mother would not be on drugs,” “If I were thinner, my friend would not have rejected me,” or “I need to be a perfect student to have a good life.” If your child is old enough, work with them to identify unhealthy beliefs.

Once these unhealthy thoughts have been identified, make a list of helpful, healing beliefs for your child to replace the unhealthy thoughts. After this, remind your child to replace the unhealthy beliefs with the healthy beliefs. Make sure they understand this process is building an essential inner recovery “muscle” and will require practice to develop.

 

When should you seek treatment for your child’s trauma?

Usually, your child’s feelings of anxiety, numbness, confusion, guilt, and despair following a traumatic event will start to fade within a relatively short time. However, if the traumatic stress reaction is so intense and persistent that it’s interfering with your child’s ability to function at school or home, they may need help from a mental health professional—preferably a trauma specialist.

Warning signs include:

  • Six weeks have passed, and your child is not feeling any better.
  • Your child is having trouble functioning at school.
  • Your child is experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks.
  • Physical complaints such as headaches, stomach pains, or sleep disturbances.
  • Your child is having an increasingly difficult time relating to friends and family.
  • Your child or teen is experiencing suicidal thoughts.
  • Your child is avoiding more and more things that remind them of the traumatic event.

When children experience abuse, abandonment or other deep hurts, the adults in their lives may not know how to help them. Many people believe topics like psychological healing only belong to the professionals. But “professionals,” however helpful they may be, do not have enough time to impact children in the same way as those who are involved with them daily.

Whatever the age of your child, it’s important to offer extra reassurance and support following a traumatic event. A child’s reaction to a disaster or trauma can be greatly influenced by their parents’ response, so it’s important to educate yourself about trauma and traumatic stress. The more you know about the symptoms, effects, and treatment options, the better equipped you’ll be to help your child recover. With your love and support, the unsettling thoughts and feelings of traumatic stress can start to fade and your child’s life can return to normal in the days or weeks following the event.

Ten Ways to Teach Your Children about Consent at Every Age.

It’s not an easy thing to talk with your kids about sex. We live in a culture soaked in sexuality where selling everything from cars to toys to clothing to the food we eat. You as a Parent have talked to your girls about losing virginity, boys and masturbation. But how many times have you properly educated your boys about how to identify and ask for consent??

 

Our society is plagued by a worsening epidemic of sexual violence, and as a mother and a survivor of sexual assault, I feel compelled to do whatever I can to change that.

It’s practically impossible to scroll through social media or watch the news without seeing some report of sexual assault, but the focus of these stories is the emphasis often placed on what girls should to do protect themselves: they should avoid wearing provocative clothing, they should never walk alone at night; they should take self-defense classes, and never get drunk at a party.

There is little mention of what should be done to stop our boys from growing into men who are capable of committing these heinous acts in the first place. I think we believe that if we teach our kids the difference between right and wrong, assuming that it goes without saying that sexual assault is the latter then we’ve done our job.

You might be thinking, Why is she favoring the Girl child? Honestly, I am not. The reality is both boys and girls should be educated.

By the time you hit them with the talk, children of all ages have already gotten a bunch of messages about sex, relationships, and consent from somewhere else. From cartoons to fairy tales, school mates,  pop songs, siblings to the kid next door… by the time your child can comprehend these stories, they’ve already internalized some concepts.

So as a parent, it’s your job to translate, explain, debunk, and convey these messages.

The most important thing you can teach both boys and girls is sexual consent. So what it is? How can you give it and how do you ask for it? Most importantly, why it is so important for healthy relationships?

I am going to give an overview of what consent lessons can look like for most families.

 

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1. Teach the correct vocabulary early.

Consent education should start as soon as kids can understand the foundation concepts behind it. So where do you start? Giving your child the correct, scientific vocabulary to describe their body parts, including words like:

  • vulva
  • vagina
  • penis
  • testicles
  • anus

There are two major reasons to stay away from code words and slang. First and foremost, correct labels break down stigma and create a person who is sex positive and not embarrassed to talk about their bodies with their parents — not to mention a future teen who isn’t afraid to openly and clearly communicate with their romantic partner.

When we use coded language with little kids, it sounds like something we keep secret and don’t talk about, and that’s not the message we want to send.

2. Teach bodily autonomy and independence.

The next step when they are still at a young age is to teach them bodily autonomy. It is teaching that they have total control over what happens to their body.

Respect your kids’ wishes when it comes to hugging, kissing, cuddling, and tickling. The big example here is that they aren’t “forced” to hug and kiss anyone, even grandma. Children should get to choose their level of contact based on their level of comfort. Learn to respect their NO! “Okay, why should I do that? I am the adult here”. Point is, they should clearly understand and expect that when someone says “no” to bodily contact, that request should be immediately respected.

In addition to letting your child know that they get to choose when someone touches them, you should also begin teaching them that consent goes both ways. You can start by teaching them to ask their friends if they like to be hugged before going in for an embrace.

3. Talk about consent with friends and family.

A vital part of teaching bodily autonomy at this age is also educating your friends and family about boundaries, too. This way Grandma doesn’t get offended when she doesn’t get a kiss. She should know that it’s not a requirement that her grandchildren hug and kiss her or sit on her lap and you can teach her that she can offer alternatives.

When you teach your kid bodily autonomy, you’re not only teaching them to say no, you’re teaching them lots of consent-related skills. Like saying, ‘Can I high five you instead?’ when a hug isn’t wanted.

You’re mirroring what it looks like to be refused. If your child refuses a hug, you can say, ‘I know you still love me even if you don’t want to hug me.’ That statement shows that physical touch isn’t bad or wrong in this relationship, just that in this moment, you don’t want physical touch.”

4. Build stronger, healthier boundaries.

As your children grow older, your lessons about consent and autonomy can increase in complexity.

This is a good time to discuss concepts like coercion, when someone persuades you to consent to something against your original will. You can also discuss how to set healthy boundaries with people, and what they should do if those boundaries are violated.

5. Introduce concepts of sexism and misogyny.

At this age range, it’s imperative to talk to your children in depth about sexism and gender bias. Why? Sexism and misogyny have a lot to do with consent and can lead to harmful myths and misconceptions about consent and relationships, such as:

  • Men should always want sex and are expected to push the boundaries of how far they can go with partners.
  • The woman is a “gatekeeper” responsible for pacing or stopping sexual acts.
  • Women should obey men.
  • It isn’t “manly” or romantic to ask before kissing a woman or making a move sexually.

There are gender roles that can cause sexual scripts that can be harmful to sexual intimacy. For example, when a male asks a female for sex, and the female is responsible for saying no. That’s based on a harmful stereotype that men are always horny and ready for sex. It seems complex but you would be surprised at how much a child in middle school will understand this so well.

6. Teach critical thinking skills.

This is also a time to help your children to become independent critical thinkers by using examples of media they consume. They’re going to get harmful messages even when you aren’t around, and they must have the skills to think critically about them.

If you see sexism in the world around you, such as in music, television, movies, or real-life situations, point it out and ask them what they think. Help them reach their own conclusions.

For example, In most movie scenes, verbal consent is absent, which is a problem within itself. If you’re watching a movie with a kissing scene with your pre-teen, you might ask, “How do you think he knew that she wanted him to kiss her?”

I know you mostly focus on telling your children what they should not do. But you should focus on teaching your child what they should do, but helping them understand why you have the values you have, how you came to a decision in your own life, and how they could come to decisions on their own

Please! Please! Avoid too much lecturing and instead try to have two-way conversations.

7. Know how to respond when your kids ask about sex.

This is also the age when children might start asking you questions about sex and sexuality that you may not be prepared to answer but they’re mature enough to understand.

Don’t be afraid to say that you can talk about it another time, like after dinner so that you can have time to mentally prepare. Also, be sure to leave the door open for more discussion and be sure to end the conversation with a supportive statement, like, “I appreciate that you came and talked to me about this.”

8. Continue with more complex issues surrounding sexual consent.

High schoolers and young adults are ready to learn concrete lessons about sexual consent and healthy sexual relationships in full detail. These may be some of the toughest lessons to teach for parents, but they’re the most vital pieces to help your kids understand consent and build healthy relationships.

One mistake parents make when discussing consent is that they have limited talks with their children and male children mostly get different talks than female children.

For example, males tend to get only enough information about consent to prevent illegal actions related to rape and assault, while women may only get enough information to prevent their own rape and assault.

This form of “disaster prevention” sex education may indeed prevent some legal issues, but it doesn’t help break down our foundation cultural issues about consent or lend toward building enjoyable, equitable relationships. Please be sure to discuss the following issues:

  • Can a person who’s incapacitated by drugs or alcohol consent to sex?
  • Do you have to consent to sex after the first time you have intercourse?
  • Do power differentials affect your ability to consent?
  • What does safe sex have to do with consent?
  • Be certain to cover the difference between verbal and non-verbal consent.

Teach them to know what verbal consent sounds like, as well as how you can ask. They should also know what nonverbal consent looks like. They should understand if that their partner is very quiet, or lying still, that that isn’t the enthusiastic consent they’re looking for, and it’s time to communicate before they keep going.

LESSON: While teens might be learning about issues like birth control, rape, and sexually transmitted infections, they’re lacking knowledge that they both need and crave regarding consent and healthy relationships. This additional knowledge is key to preventing sexual assault and sexual violence.

9.  Converse about pornography.

You are probably cringing from the word Pornography. Our teenagers are mostly on their phones right? You can’t ignore that your teen is very likely exploring pornography in some form.

Without a proper education from parents about what pornography is, how it functions, and its issues, kids can take away misguided messages about sex, relationships, and intimacy. At worse, these beliefs can become harmful to others.

Pornography is not a very realistic portrayal of sex. A lot of porn doesn’t portray women well, and there are a lot of mixed messages about consent. For example, teen girls may compare themselves to the women in porn and feel inferior while boys may fear that they won’t be able to sexually perform like the men in porn

10. Talk about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

70 percent of 18- to 25-year-olds wished that they’d received more information from their parents, about the emotional and romantic aspects of relationships, including how to:

  • Have a more mature relationship.
  • Deal with breakups.
  • Avoid getting hurt in a relationship.
  • Begin a relationship.

All of these issues are tied in many ways to understanding consent.

Again, start discussions with your children while consuming media or after you see a good or poor example of a healthy relationship. Ask them how they feel and what they think, and get them to think critically about what it means to be a caring romantic partner and what it means to be cared for.

Remember, I am not giving all this information just so you can avoid assault. It is about creating healthy people who have the tools and skills to have healthy and happy romantic relationships.

Teaching consent is an ongoing conversation

Teaching our kids about consent might seem awkward at first, not only because it involves the subject of sex, but also because the majority of today’s adults didn’t get consent education as kids. However, one of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is our ability to break harmful cycles, create new standards, and improve life for our kids and the next generation.

Even if you have older children and missed out on earlier lessons, it’s never too late to start teaching your kids about the importance of sexual consent.

In this digital age, with the Internet at their fingertips, all the parental controls in the world won’t keep our children from seeking out the answers to any questions they might have about their bodies and sex. It’s natural for them to be curious, but if you start an open conversation with them at a young age, if they know you won’t scold them or tell them that they are too young to think about “those” kinds of things, they will be more likely to come to you for information rather than other sources.

I hope this article will be a good guide in helping you talk about sex with your children. Feel free to ask any questions or give Feedback. We Love It!

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What Is Rape Culture in Kenya??

Skills that Dads Should Teach their 13 year old Daughters in 2020.

Myths About Sexual Assault.

 

Effects of Poverty on Education in Kirinyaga County- Kenya.

 

Juliet Wanja, Doreen Karimi  and Christine Wanjiru are all 15 year old girls who are not sure if they will join High School in 2020 due to lack of school fees. This is a reality for thousands of children in Kenya right now. Currently, the Kenyan primary education is free but still regular school attendance is a challenge mainly due to low family incomes.

For instance, over 1.2 million children of school-going age are out of school and involved in practices such as child labor to supplement family income. There is also a 27% primary school dropout rate related to poverty issues. Imagine having these challenges in primary education. We find that fewer children are enrolled in secondary school, with only about a 40% enrollment rate.

Ending poverty in all of its form everywhere is crucial to achieving sustainable development in the world. We encourage various stakeholders to invest in education of our Beneficiaries because there is a lot to be gained in terms of poverty alleviation since poverty is a challenge to education.

It’s a bit ironic that we are fighting for our children to go to school while at the same time, our poor quality education is another one of the causes of poverty in Kenya. A high number of children are cramped together in classrooms, there are minimal teaching materials and each class has a single teacher.

With a poor teacher to student ratio, children who learn differently end up getting left behind because the teacher does not have a chance to serve each child individually. Those children who are left behind remain enrolled in school until they can catch up, adding to the amount of resources needed, since there is not an even ratio of new students to graduated students.

However, Protect a Girls’ Image Organization believes that education has a direct correlation with income. The higher the level of education, the less likely the person is to fall below poverty line.

Educating girls in particular makes them more likely to take control of decisions relating to fertility, family welfare, health. This means that education is not just a need but a tool to alleviate poverty.

With Donations from well wishers like you in place this shouldn’t be a problem. It seems simple enough – at least on the face of it. Every child in our care between the ages of six and 17 has the right to compulsory education and this cannot happen without your kind donations.

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What is the right to education?

Education is a basic human right for all and is important for everyone to make the most of their lives. Other human rights include the right to freedom from slavery or torture and to a fair trial.

Having an education helps people to access all of their other human rights. Education improves an individual’s chances in life and helps to tackle poverty.

 

Why does it matter?

Education reduces poverty, decreases social inequalities, empowers children and helps each individual reach their full potential.

It also brings significant economic returns for a country and helps societies to achieve lasting peace and sustainable development. Education is key to achieving all other human rights.

Education that targets poor populations like where our children live will bring change to many of the systemic factors that have contributed to the delay in poor communities’ development. Education can prevent the transmission of poverty between generations. Education also has documented effect on health, nutrition, economic development and on environmental protection (UNESCO 2104: Sustainable development begins with education).

Our goal in 2020 is to make sure all our children are enrolled in school with all the supplies which include ( school fees, a school bag, books, and writing materials)

Despite great progress we have made this year, 12 out of our 40 children are still not enrolled in school.

Would you like to help one of these children to be enrolled in school? We will be so grateful if you Give trough this link>>>>>>  https://t.co/rFenbUMW4w

 

 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD INVEST IN A CHILD’S EDUCATION.

Investing in Education yields significant development benefits.

Education reduces poverty, boosts economic growth and increases income. It increases a person’s chances of having a healthy life, reduces maternal deaths, and combats diseases such as HIV and AIDS. Education can promote gender equality, reduce child marriage, and promote peace. In sum, education is one of the most important investments a country can make in its people and its future.

Education is essential to the success of every one of the 17 global goals.

Formally adopted at the UN General Assembly in September 2015, the Global Goals for Sustainable Development frame the global development agenda for 2016-2030. The Global Goal 4 on education aims to “ensure inclusive and equitable quality education and promote lifelong learning opportunities for all.”

Education is Critical during times of conflict.

In times of conflict and crisis, children are forced out of school, which contributes to higher drop-out rates and lower completion rates. Having a strong focus on education in these countries is critical, since education promotes stability, good governance, and peace. It can also provide a visible sign of a return to normalcy for children.

A Poor quality education is almost like no education.

Great progress has been achieved in enrolling children in school around the world. But it’s not enough to get children in school, we also need to ensure that they learn to read, count, and acquire the necessary life skills. A special focus has to be given to the most vulnerable and marginalized groups (including children living in fragile and conflict affected areas, children with disabilities and girls) who are most likely to be affected because of a lack of well-trained  teachers, inadequate learning materials, and unsuitable education infrastructure.

Achieving the Global Goal for education by 2030 cost US $1.25 a day per child in Developing countries.

It costs on average US $1.25  a day per child in developing countries (low and lower-middle income) to provide a full cycle of pre-primary through secondary education (13 years). The largest share of this cost, 88%, is borne by the developing countries themselves. The international community should help in filling the funding gap of just 15 cents a day per child.

Education has a multiplier effect.

Educated girls and women tend to be healthier, have fewer children, earn more income and provide better health care for themselves and their future children. These benefits also are transmitted from generation to generation and across communities at large, making girls’ education one of the best investments a country can make.

Children with disabilities are often excluded from education systems.

In many countries, a combination of discrimination, social attitudes, poverty, lack of political will, and poor quality of human and material resources leave children with disabilities more vulnerable to being excluded from education. It is essential that societies adapt their education systems to ensure that these children can enjoy their basic human right without discrimination of any kind.

Early childhood education is vital to lifelong success.

Investing in quality early childhood education brings the highest returns from individuals, societies and countries. Children who have access to quality early childhood programs do better in primary school and will have better education outcomes later. It is vital that low and lower middle-income countries invest more in affordable early childhood programs.

Read More: Operation: Help Send our 17 boys and 23 girls back to School in 2020.

Skills that Fathers should teach their 13 year old Daughters in 2020.

Top 7 things you need to teach your child about sex and consent.

Being a parent is compiled of so many firsts and big moments you look forward to with your children. One of them most parents do not look forward to is Sex Education. Most parents find this conversation very uncomfortable. Let’s face it, my generation really didn’t get much talks as our parent’s generation did not talk about Sex at all!! But in this generation, I am surprised that 10 year olds know about Sex and it’s not from our parents, but from the internet, movies and magazines.

Why don’t Victims of Sexual Assault come forward sooner?

 

WHY DON’T VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT COME FORWARD SOONER?

 

Reasons why sexual assault survivors don't come forward sooner.

Sexual assault survivors don’t come forward sooner due to shame, guilt, denial, and fear of the consequences that might follow them.

It is very common for victims of sexual assault to not disclose their trauma as soon as it happens that is if they ever do. But since everybody in the world is continually confused by why women don’t come forward, I offer some information based on the psychology of abuse to help answer this question.

To make sure we are all in the same page, when I talk about Sexual harassment and behaviors, I include cat calling, inappropriate touching, invasion of privacy, sexual jokes, sexual bribery, and coercion just to mention a few.

Below I have listed the most significant reasons why women do not come forward more often or delay in coming forward.

  • Shame

One of the primary reasons women don’t come forward to report sexual harassment or assault is shame. Sexual abuse, by its very nature, is humiliating and dehumanizing. The victim feels invaded and defiled, while simultaneously feeling the indignity of being helpless and at the mercy of another person.

Shame is a feeling deep within us of being exposed and unworthy. When we feel ashamed, we want to hide. We hang our heads, stoop our shoulders, and curve inward as if trying to make ourselves invisible. Most people who have been deeply shamed take on the underlying and pervasive belief that they are broken, unworthy and unlovable.

Victims of sexual harassment and sexual assault in adulthood or sexual abuse in childhood tend to feel shame, because as human beings, we want to believe that we have control over what happens to us. When that personal power is challenged by a victimization of any kind, we feel humiliated. We believe we should have been able to defend ourselves. And because we weren’t able to do so, we feel helpless and powerless. This powerlessness causes humiliation  which leads to shame.

  • Denial, Minimization

Many women refuse to believe that the treatment they endured was actually abusive. They downplay how much they have been harmed by sexual harassment and even sexual assault. They convince themselves that “it wasn’t a big deal.” I know a lot of women who were brutally raped, and I have friends who were sexually abused in childhood. So when a scenario of a girl being sexually harassed by her boss arose, she said that it was nothing compared to what these women went through. She tells herself to just move on and forget the whole thing.

Other women are good at making excuses for their abusers. I have often heard victims of sexual harassment say things like “I felt sorry for him,” or “I figured he wasn’t getting enough sex at home,” or even “I knew he couldn’t help himself.”

And finally, women convince themselves that they are the only victim of a sexual harasser or abuser. It is often only after other women step forward to say that they were abused by a perpetrator that a victim may realize that they are dealing with a serial abuser.

  • Fear of the Consequences

Fear of the repercussions is a huge obstacle women face when it comes to reporting sexual harassment or assault. The fear of losing their job, fear they won’t find another job, fear they will be failed in school, fear of being blamed, fear of being branded a victim, fear of being blackballed by people, fear of their physical safety. This is so true.

Many don’t disclose, because they fear they won’t be believed, and until very recently, that has primarily been the case. The fact that sexual misconduct is the most under-reported crime is due to a common belief that women make up these stories for attention or to get back at a man who rejected them. Victims’ accounts are often scrutinized to the point of exhaustion. Victims are often labeled opportunists, blamed for their own victimization, and punished for coming forward.

  • Low Self-Esteem

Some victims have such low self-esteem that they don’t consider what happened to them to be very serious. They don’t value or respect their own bodies or their own integrity, so if someone violates them, they downplay it. Sexual violations wound a woman’s self-esteem, self-concept, and sense of self. The more a girl or woman puts up with, the more her self-image becomes distorted. Little by little, acts of disrespect, objectification, and shaming whittle away at her self-esteem until she has little regard for herself and her feelings. There is a huge price to pay for “going along” with sexual exploitation. A woman doesn’t just give away her body; she gives away her integrity.

Even the most confident girl cannot sustain her sense of confidence if she is sexually violated. She feels so much shame that it is difficult to hold her head up high. She finds it difficult to have the motivation to continue on her path, whether it be college or a career.

  • Feelings of Hopelessness and Helplessness

Research has shown us that victims who cannot see a way out of an abusive situation soon develop a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and this in turn contributes to them giving up and not trying to escape or seek help. Specifically, learned helplessness is a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed and considered to be one of the underlying causes of depression. A concept originally developed by the research of psychologist and Steven D. Meier, learned helplessness is a phenomenon that says when people feel like they have no control over what happens, they tend to simply give up and accept their fate.

Women feel it is useless to come forward, because they have seen the way others have been treated. They feel it is hopeless, because they won’t be believed, and their reputations will be tainted, if not ruined. Women who have already been sexually assaulted or harassed feel especially helpless, since the chances are extremely high that they did not receive the justice they so desperately needed. These fears can cause women to think there is nowhere to turn, to feel trapped and even hopeless.

  • A History of Being Sexually Violated

Women who have already been traumatized by child sexual abuse or by sexual assault as an adult are far less likely to speak out about sexual harassment at work or at school. Research shows that survivors of previous abuse and assault are at a higher risk of being sexually assaulted again. For example, research shows that 38 percent of college-aged women who have been sexually violated had first been victimized prior to college.

Those who experienced previous abuse will likely respond to overtures of sexual harassment much differently than women who have not been abused. A friend shared with me that she freezes every time a guy makes a sexual advance towards her hoping he will just walk away. This “freezing reaction” is a common one for those who were sexually abused in childhood. And as was mentioned above, those who have previously been victimized are more likely to keep quiet about the abuse, since they may have already had the experience of not being believed and not receiving justice.

  • Disbelief, Dissociated, or Drugged

Finally, sometimes women don’t report sexual harassment or assault, because at the time of the abuse they were drugged, inebriated, or dissociated. Others may have been so drunk before the assault that they doubt their memories, and as we know, some are so traumatized that they dissociated during the attack and have only vague memories. It usually takes one woman coming forward before a woman is able to trust her own memories of the experience. Unless other women come forward to make a complaint about someone, most will continue doubting themselves and assuming they will be doubted if they report.

It is understandable that women have a difficult time coming forward for a number of reasons. These women deserve our recognition about how difficult it is and our compassion for what they have been through. Women need to be encouraged to begin to push away their internalized shame with anger and to learn how to give the shame back to their abusers.

Instead of focusing so much energy on trying to figure out why victims don’t report, it would be far more productive to ask, “Why do we allow men to continue to sexually harass and assault women?” Perhaps even more important, we need to stop asking why victims wait to report and instead focus on how we can better support victims in their quest for justice and healing.