Tag: sexual violence
Blogsexual violence

Tag: sexual violence

What should I teach my high school-aged teen about sex and sexuality? (Age 14- 19years)

It’s normal for teens to have many questions and lots of thoughts and feelings about sex and sexuality, and parents have an important role to play. Here are some tips for talking with your teen about sex.

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What should I keep in mind?

Parents really make a difference. Teens who have frequent conversations with their parents about a variety of topics related to sex are more likely to delay sex until they are older, and use condoms and other forms of birth control when they do become sexually active. Most teens name their parents as the biggest influence in their decisions about sex.

Many schools teach sex education that includes information on abstinence, safer sex, birth control, and relationships— which is great. But nothing compares to the influence you have as a parent on a day-to-day basis. That’s why talking about sex and sexuality at home is important even if your teen is getting the right facts at school.

It’s important for you to share your personal values and beliefs about sex. If you spend some time thinking about your personal values and what you’d want for your teen, it will be easier to send a clear message when you do talk about sex with your teen. Consider

  • When do you think it would be acceptable for them to have sex?
  • Do you want them to be in a committed relationship or married first?
  • Do you want them to be out of high school?

If you are clear about your hopes for your teen, they’ll be more likely to adopt those hopes and feelings too. No matter what your expectations, it’s also important to talk about ways people can protect themselves during sex by using birth control and condoms. This will arm your teen with important information and let them know that they can talk with you about this stuff.

It’s not just about talking. Having a good relationship with your teen and setting boundaries is important, too. Talking about your values, expectations, birth control and condoms is important. But so is having a close relationship with your teen that’s based on respect for each other.

Research shows that teens are less likely to take risks — like having unprotected sex, doing drugs, drinking, or smoking — when they feel they have a close relationship with a parent. Staying involved in their life, listening to them, and sharing your life and interests with them can help you build a closer relationship with your teen.

Setting boundaries for your teen can also help them avoid risky situations. Here are some things you can do:

  • Limit the amount of time your teen is allowed to spend with other teens without an adult around.
  • Discourage your teen from having friends who are much older than them.
  • Get to know your teen’s friends and (if possible) their parents.
  • Ask your teen about where they’re going and where they’ve been.
  • Give your teen a curfew.

How do I help my teen wait to have sex until they’re ready?

In addition to talking with them about your hopes for them around sex, it helps to understand why teens may be motivated to have sex. Here are 7 common reasons teens choose to have sex and some suggestions for how you can respond to them:

1. “I’ll feel more grown up.”
As they physically mature and have more and more independence, some teens feel they’re ready for sex and that having it will make them even more mature and independent.

Possible ways to respond:

  • “I can understand you wanting to feel more grown up. What are some others ways that you can feel grown up without having sex?”
  • “If you have sex and something unexpected happens, like getting pregnant or getting an STD, how would you handle that? How would that affect your future?”
  • “Being grown up means dealing with the responsibilities that go along with sex. Can you tell me what you think those responsibilities are?”

2. “I know I would enjoy sex.”
For many teens, life is about the “right here” and “right now.” Teens may have a hard time weighing the short-term benefits — physical pleasure or emotional satisfaction — against the possible, and more serious, consequences — STDs and/or unintended pregnancy. And before being able to really enjoy sex, your teen and their partner need to have consent.

Possible ways to respond:

  • “Sex might seem like a good idea right now, but it can have some serious consequences. Have you thought about pregnancy or STDs?”
  • “I know you think it’ll feel good to have sex. But there are a lot of ways to feel good and be close to someone without having sex.”
  • “Sex needs to be about your enjoyment as well as your partner’s enjoyment. You have to know for sure that they want to do what you want to do. Are you ready to talk about that with your partner?”

3. “It’s okay if I have sex because everybody’s doing it.”
Teens often think that more of their peers are sexually active than actually are. Give your teen the facts.

Possible ways to respond:

  • “No they’re not. On average, teens start having vaginal sex at 18.”
  • “Many teens who’ve had sex say they wish they’d waited.”

4. “I believe in having sex if I truly love the other person.” / “I want to feel closer to my partner.” / “Having sex is the best way to show my partner I love them.”
Many teens believe that they’ll lose their partner if they don’t have sex. Others believe that they need to have sex to show their partners that they love them. And teens may not think about other ways of showing their feelings besides having sex.

They also need to know that pressuring your partner to have sex is never okay, and can be a sign of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

Possible ways to respond:

  • “In a truly loving relationship, your partner respects you and doesn’t pressure you to have sex. Is your [boyfriend/girlfriend/partner] pressuring you?”
  • “Sex can be a special way of sharing love with someone. But you should be loved whether or not you have sex. Let’s think of other ways you can share love without having sex.”

5. “I know people who had sex at a young age, so why can’t I?” / “You had sex at a young age — I can handle the consequences just like you did.”
People don’t always tell the whole story when it comes to how they deal with the responsibilities and consequences of sex. And because their brains aren’t fully developed, teens can’t realistically think through all the risks that having sex poses. You can help your teen with this — you might choose to tell your own story as one way to do that.

Possible ways to respond:

  • “It’s true. I had sex when I was your age, so it’s probably confusing for me to suggest you wait. But I really wish I’d waited longer. I wasn’t ready and I had to go through a lot because of it.”
  • “When I was in high school I thought that I would stay with my partner forever.  But I’m glad I waited to have sex, that I used birth control and condoms. I got to go to school, get a job, and have money of my own before I had a child.”

6. “If I have sex, I’ll finally know what it’s like.”
For many teens, curiosity plays a big role in choosing to have sex.

Possible way to respond:

  • “I can understand why you might be curious, but that’s not a good reason to have sex. Sex is a really important decision.”

7. “Other people will like me more if I have sex.”
Many teens believe that they’ll be more popular with their peers and more attractive to their crushes if they have sex. You can help them understand that sex should be about how you feel, and not about what people think of you.

Possible ways to respond:

  • “It may seem like sex is a good way to become popular, but that’s not a good reason to do it. You should only have sex because you want to and because the time is right for you.”
  • “How do you think your friends feel about you having sex? Do you think that’s what a true friend would think? Do you feel pressured?”

You can support them in waiting even more by helping them think through how they’ll say no to sex in the moment. Ask them what they think someone might say to convince them they should have sex. They can practice what they’ll say back. They might come up with things like:

  • “It’s just not for me.”
  • “We are too young for that responsibility.”
  • “My plans for the future are more important than having sex right now.”
  • “I don’t feel like it.”
  • “Why are you trying so hard when I told you, ‘no’?”
  • “My mom would be really upset.”
  • “I might get sick or pregnant.”
  • “It’s against my religion.”
  • “NO.”

How do I talk to my teen about STDs and safer sex?

STDs are super common, and most people will get one at some point in their lives. Young people in the US ages 15-24 have the highest risk of getting an STD — they make up a small part of the sexually active population, but get half of all new STDs each year.

You don’t need to be an expert in sexual health to help your teen avoid STDs. Encourage your teen to learn about safer sex. You can even read about it together. Let them know that if they’re going to have sex, you expect them to use protection, like a condom, every single time. If they might have vaginal sex, it’s also important to talk about birth control. Remind your teen that no matter what, you love them, and they can always come to you if they’re worried about STDs or anything else.

Here are some really important things your teen needs to understand when it comes to safer sex:

  1. Every time you have vaginal, anal, or oral sex without a condom or dental dam, you’re putting yourself at risk for STDs. Teens don’t always think oral sex counts as “sex,” and they don’t know that they can catch an STD that way.
  2. STDs don’t always have symptoms. Most people actually don’t have any symptoms when they have an STD, so they don’t even know they have one. But they can still spread them to other people and cause problems.
  3. Getting tested for STDs is really easy. While it’s great if your teen comes to you for help getting tested, they should know that they don’t need parental permission to get tested for STDs. They can always go to a local health center like Planned Parenthood to get tested if they’re worried about something, if the condom breaks, or if they didn’t use a condom.

How do I talk to my teen about masturbation?

It’s totally normal for teens to masturbate. Masturbation is safe, pleasurable, can reduce stress or period-related cramps and has no bad side effects. It’s also the safest sex there is.  There’s no need to be alarmed if you find out your teen is masturbating. Masturbating can satisfy sexual feeling and help teens get to know their own bodies.

Teens hear lots of myths about masturbation — that only guys do it, or that everybody does it so if they don’t do it that means they’re “weird.” The truth is that people of all genders masturbate, but not everybody does it. It’s normal if you do it, and it’s normal and OK if you don’t.  Letting your teens know these facts can help them to deal with the myths they may hear.

During adolescence, teens tend to desire more privacy and feel more self-conscious about their bodies. Whether they masturbate or not, your teen is probably going to want more privacy than they did when they were younger. So let them keep their bedroom door closed if they want and knock before you go into their room.

But what if you forget to knock and walk in on your teen masturbating? Find a quiet time later on to let them know that what they were doing is normal. And tell them you’ll try harder to respect their privacy. You’ll both probably be embarrassed about it, but that’s ok.

How do I talk to my teen about pornography?

Pornography or sexually explicit pictures and videos are easy to find. In fact, many children and teens first see porn accidentally when they are looking for something else online. It’s very likely your teen has seen some porn on the internet — and some teens are watching it regularly.

Most young people who look at pornography do so out of curiosity about other people’s bodies and about sex. But porn can lead to unrealistic expectations. So let your teen know that porn sex isn’t like real sex.

For example, the models’ and actors’ bodies usually don’t look like the average person’s body. Their bodies are cosmetically, and often surgically or hormonally, enhanced. The kinds of sex that people have in pornography generally doesn’t reflect what people do and like to do when they have sex in real life and the amount of time it takes for people to get excited and that they stay excited in porn is usually completely unrealistic.

Another example of negative messages in pornography is the lack of communication between actors — verbal or nonverbal — before, during, and after sex. They usually don’t ask for consent, which is always a must in real-life sex. And the actors in pornography don’t usually appear to use birth control or condoms.

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Your Daughter Does Not Owe Anyone a Hug This Easter Holiday; Not Even Grandpa!

Easter holiday is around the corner and it is an exciting time for family get-togethers, yummy food, sweet traditions, funny stories, and lots and lots of love.

PGIO Lynden Church Picnic

 

 

Have you ever found yourself telling your child, “Uncle just got here—go give him a big hug!” or “Auntie gave you that nice toy, go give her a kiss,” This means that you were worried your child might not offer affection on her own and that is why you urged them to do this.

If you have said this to your child before, you might want to reconsider the urge to do that in the future.

Think of it this way, telling your child that she owes someone a hug either just because she hasn’t seen this person in a while or because they gave her a gift can set the stage for her questioning whether she “owes” another person any type of physical affection when they’ve bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life.

“The notion of consent may seem very grown-up and like something that doesn’t pertain to children,” says Girl Scouts Organization- developmental psychologist Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, “but the lessons girls learn when they’re young about setting physical boundaries and expecting them to be respected last a lifetime and can influence how she feels about herself and her body as she gets older.

Plus, sadly, we know that some adults prey on children, and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help.”

Give your girl the space to decide when and how she wants to show affection.

Of course, many children may naturally want to hug and kiss family members, friends, and neighbors, and that’s lovely—but if your daughter is reticent, consider letting her choose what to do.

Of course, this doesn’t give her license to be rude!

There are many other ways to show appreciation, thankfulness, and love that don’t require physical contact.

 

RELATED CONTENT: 6 Tips on How To Nurture a Child’s Mental Health.

 

Saying how much she’s missed someone or thank you with a smile, a high-five, or even an air kiss are all ways she can express herself, and it’s important that she knows she gets to choose which feels most comfortable to her.

Is it ok to hug a kid that doesn’t want to be hugged? No, it isn’t.

I know you might get offended by the sheer suggestion that kids should have a say in whether they want to be hugged or not. What you might not know is that a small act of respecting a kid’s wishes can go a long way in shaping their understanding of consent, enables them to respect their own body and emboldens them to say no.

It remains irrelevant if the hug or, for that matter, any other form of expression of affection, is non-sexual. It also doesn’t even have to be an exchange between an adult and a child.

Parents can teach their kids about boundaries and consent when it comes to expressing affection or even physical contact.

In a largely patriarchal world, it would go a long way in teaching boys, early on in their lives, that they are not entitled to any affection from any gender.

A loved one expecting a hug from a child creates the impression that they owe it to them. A majority of the abusive relationships stem from an imbalance of power where one person is made to feel like they owe affection to their partner.

Some of you might wave away this concern and accuse us of blowing an innocent family interaction out of proportion. But I think this has long been a (very controversial) topic in parenting circles.

After CNN’s Katia Hetter wrote an article advocating for such a practice in 2015, readers responded with various opinions. Some shared difficult stories from their childhood that they carried with them well into their adult years. For Example:

“I raised my children this way over 20 years ago. Why did we do this? Because I had been a victim of sexual abuse by a family ‘friend’ for many years as a child. I did not want my children to think they had to hug or touch others unless the contact was wanted,” one reader wrote.

Others didn’t understand the big deal and argued that family obligation sometimes means doing uncomfortable things.

“You’re damn right you’re going to hug the woman who gave your mother/father life so you could have life,” another reader wrote.

That said, think about it the next time you want to urge your child to hug or kiss anyone.

I know sometimes as parents we do things to our children without even realizing it, but it is time to do better and not let our sons and daughter get the wrong idea about consent and physical affection.

Enjoy Your Easter Holidays!!!

INCASE YOU MISSED IT:

Top 7 Things You Need To Teach Your Child About Sex and Consent.

An Incredible Story of Child Marriage

Catcalling is Not A Compliment, Its Harassment

 

Catcalling is not a Compliment, It’s Harassment!!

When I go to the shop every morning, our gate man and his friends will not let a lady pass by the gate without uttering words like “mrembo leo hunisalimii?”- “Beautiful come and say hi”. You can imagine how you look in the morning – baggy t-shirt or hoodie, sweatpants or tights, and they still catcall us which is very irritating. Most of the times I just pass by without saying anything or when am in a good mood I just wave and move along.

I am sure millions of women and girls around the world will have heard phrases like that. “Hey Sexy!” “Hey Beautiful!” “Ouh your body this or that!” or something like it. Some might say that it’s harmless, just a joke, or perhaps even a compliment.

But to be honest catcalling is none of those things. It’s an explicit demonstration of power, one that is intended to frighten or intimidate the person it’s addressed to. It is based in deep-rooted gender inequality, which sees women’s bodies as not their own.

 

In my opinion, in the context of gender, harassment often ends up being a way for men to exert control over women and their bodies. Shouting a crude comment about a woman’s appearance suggests entitlement to her body. Groping or stalking or simply standing too close without a woman’s permission shows entitlement to her space. Expecting a woman to talk to you while or after you harass her displays entitlement to her time. Do You Agree?

 

What is Catcalling?

Catcalling is when an individual whistles, shouts, or makes sexual comments toward another individual as they are walking by. Women are often the ones faced with having to deal with this ridiculous issue. The fact that I get a little nervous when I decide to get dressed up because I don’t feel like getting harassed, is a problem. You shouldn’t have to feel self-conscious or nervous every time you get dressed to head out the door or every time you pass by men on the street.

What is Street Harassment?

Street harassment is one of the most pervasive forms of violence against women and girls. It’s a type of sexual harassment and includes catcalling, unwanted comments, gestures, honking and uninvited sexual advances from strangers in a public place.

When you face harassment as part of your daily life, whether it’s while going for a run or getting the bus to see friends, what does that do? It holds you back right?

You are compelled to change your clothes, or routes to work just to try to avoid it. It can even  prevent you from working, from socialising, from learning, and from living with freedom and dignity.

This is not acceptable. No woman or girl should feel afraid in the streets of her own city.

Did you Know Poverty makes girls more vulnerable to harassment??

We help and interact with many women and girls in the rural areas we operate and they have stories to tell about street harassment. One would think thank living in the rural areas is a bit safer than urban areas but we were wrong.

Women and girls living in poverty are even more vulnerable to this sort of street harassment. For example, Rose Wanjiru attends a local school in Kangai village, Kenya. She is only 12 years old, but she and her friends are often harassed by men as they walk to and from school. Rose says:

“On my way home, we often get catcalls from the farm workers and boda boda [motorcycle taxi] riders. My biggest wish is that we get an education, the men should leave us alone.”

 

RELATED CONTENT: See How we are Raising Funds to help our Beneficiaries like Rose to stay in school.

How Protect a Girls Image is helping girls who are experiencing street harassment.

Jackline Wamwitha, Our eldest girl belongs to the Protect a Girls Image-supported girls’ club at her school. The club is a safe spacewhere the girls learn about their rights and gain the confidence to report harassment and abuse. Jackline looks out for other girls at school. She says: “I tell my friends: don’t pay attention to those men.”

In addition to girls’ clubs, Protect a Girls Image is working with women’s groups and training government officials, police, health workers and legal advisers in Kenya on how to best to tackle violence against women and girls.

By working closely with local commuities, PGIO is tackling gender-based street harassment at its root, by challenging the behaviours and gender inequalities that cause it.

 

READ MORE: Our Visit to Kangai Sunday School  Support Club. – Talks on Menstruation, Sex, Consent and Safety.

 

How Should You Deal with Street Harassment?

 Ignore It

Sometimes, no response is the best response (especially if you’re concerned about escalating the situation). Some harassers might enjoy any sort of attention, so ignoring the foolishness is the best bet. Hopefully, they will eventually get a clue and stop catcalling completely.

 Respond

If you’re a quick thinker with a strong voice, then responding may be a good choice. If you feel safe enough to do so, assertively respond to the harassers calmly, firmly and without insults or personal attacks to let them know that their actions are unwelcome, unacceptable and wrong. It’s one way to turn the situation around.

Show Compassion

Sometimes kindness is the most unexpected, confusing, and wonderful response of all. So if some guy is saying garbage about your appearance, you can respond with quiet sympathy. “You must be in a bad place to comment on stranger’s bodies like that. I hope life gets better for you.” You can say, with full sincerity. Then sashay away!

Report to Employer

If you are being harassed at work you can air your views and let Human Resources know that their employees are harassing people on the job and why that is unacceptable. I know you might be thinking “what will my colleagues think and what if I lose my job” If we don’t start standing up for ourselves now then when?

Step In

If you see a lady being harassed, please help them out of the situation and let the harasser know that their actions are not condoned by others. Ask her if she wants help and what she’d like you to do or simply check in to see if she is OK. Majority of street harassers look to other men for approval so they might gang up on you.

 

What will you Do to Help Girls facing Street Harassment??

If you Donate to Protect A Girls’ Image Education Funding>>>HERE, you can help us support more Girls in School, so that they can be educated on preventing and responding to harassment and violence. Here’s what your money could do:

  • $80  could help educate girls and ensure they are aware of their rights
  • $5 could help girls carry their books to school.
  • $10 could help get a Dozen of Books for each girl, to write down everything  they learn.
  • $3 could help buy a Dozen of Pens for them to write with.

 

SUMMARY

The most common defense that men have against this issue is that catcalls are their way of “complimenting” a woman’s looks. Going up to a woman and telling her she’s beautiful is one thing, but shouting “damn!” “hey sexy!” or whistling and honking the car horn as a woman walks by is a different story.

Catcalling can even get to the point of being dangerous if women decide defend themselves or ignore the cat-callers, because often they will get offended causing them to act in an aggressive or intimidating manner by name calling or going as far as assaulting women. It’s important that you assess your situation and ensure your safety before responding.

What men need to understand is that catcalling is not cute, funny, or complimenting. It’s harassment, degrading, and disgusting. It lets women know they are being objectified and looked at as nothing more than a piece of meat. It makes women feel as though they have no rights or values. Women are not dogs to be whistled at and they are not sexual objects. Women are more than their looks. Women have the right to be treated with as much respect and dignity when walking down the street as any man. Women deserve to feel safe!!

RELATED CONTENT

Ten Ways to Teach your Children Consent at every Age.

Ten Tips on how Parents can Help Children who have experienced Trauma.

Skills that Dad’s should teach their 13year Old Daughters in 2020.

 

Top 7 things you need to teach your child about sex and consent.

Being a parent is compiled of so many firsts and big moments you look forward to with your children. One of them most parents do not look forward to is Sex Education. Most parents find this conversation very uncomfortable. Let’s face it, my generation really didn’t get much talks as our parent’s generation did not talk about Sex at all!! But in this generation, I am surprised that 10 year olds know about Sex and it’s not from our parents, but from the internet, movies and magazines.

Why don’t Victims of Sexual Assault come forward sooner?

 

WHY DON’T VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT COME FORWARD SOONER?

 

Reasons why sexual assault survivors don't come forward sooner.

Sexual assault survivors don’t come forward sooner due to shame, guilt, denial, and fear of the consequences that might follow them.

It is very common for victims of sexual assault to not disclose their trauma as soon as it happens that is if they ever do. But since everybody in the world is continually confused by why women don’t come forward, I offer some information based on the psychology of abuse to help answer this question.

To make sure we are all in the same page, when I talk about Sexual harassment and behaviors, I include cat calling, inappropriate touching, invasion of privacy, sexual jokes, sexual bribery, and coercion just to mention a few.

Below I have listed the most significant reasons why women do not come forward more often or delay in coming forward.

  • Shame

One of the primary reasons women don’t come forward to report sexual harassment or assault is shame. Sexual abuse, by its very nature, is humiliating and dehumanizing. The victim feels invaded and defiled, while simultaneously feeling the indignity of being helpless and at the mercy of another person.

Shame is a feeling deep within us of being exposed and unworthy. When we feel ashamed, we want to hide. We hang our heads, stoop our shoulders, and curve inward as if trying to make ourselves invisible. Most people who have been deeply shamed take on the underlying and pervasive belief that they are broken, unworthy and unlovable.

Victims of sexual harassment and sexual assault in adulthood or sexual abuse in childhood tend to feel shame, because as human beings, we want to believe that we have control over what happens to us. When that personal power is challenged by a victimization of any kind, we feel humiliated. We believe we should have been able to defend ourselves. And because we weren’t able to do so, we feel helpless and powerless. This powerlessness causes humiliation  which leads to shame.

  • Denial, Minimization

Many women refuse to believe that the treatment they endured was actually abusive. They downplay how much they have been harmed by sexual harassment and even sexual assault. They convince themselves that “it wasn’t a big deal.” I know a lot of women who were brutally raped, and I have friends who were sexually abused in childhood. So when a scenario of a girl being sexually harassed by her boss arose, she said that it was nothing compared to what these women went through. She tells herself to just move on and forget the whole thing.

Other women are good at making excuses for their abusers. I have often heard victims of sexual harassment say things like “I felt sorry for him,” or “I figured he wasn’t getting enough sex at home,” or even “I knew he couldn’t help himself.”

And finally, women convince themselves that they are the only victim of a sexual harasser or abuser. It is often only after other women step forward to say that they were abused by a perpetrator that a victim may realize that they are dealing with a serial abuser.

  • Fear of the Consequences

Fear of the repercussions is a huge obstacle women face when it comes to reporting sexual harassment or assault. The fear of losing their job, fear they won’t find another job, fear they will be failed in school, fear of being blamed, fear of being branded a victim, fear of being blackballed by people, fear of their physical safety. This is so true.

Many don’t disclose, because they fear they won’t be believed, and until very recently, that has primarily been the case. The fact that sexual misconduct is the most under-reported crime is due to a common belief that women make up these stories for attention or to get back at a man who rejected them. Victims’ accounts are often scrutinized to the point of exhaustion. Victims are often labeled opportunists, blamed for their own victimization, and punished for coming forward.

  • Low Self-Esteem

Some victims have such low self-esteem that they don’t consider what happened to them to be very serious. They don’t value or respect their own bodies or their own integrity, so if someone violates them, they downplay it. Sexual violations wound a woman’s self-esteem, self-concept, and sense of self. The more a girl or woman puts up with, the more her self-image becomes distorted. Little by little, acts of disrespect, objectification, and shaming whittle away at her self-esteem until she has little regard for herself and her feelings. There is a huge price to pay for “going along” with sexual exploitation. A woman doesn’t just give away her body; she gives away her integrity.

Even the most confident girl cannot sustain her sense of confidence if she is sexually violated. She feels so much shame that it is difficult to hold her head up high. She finds it difficult to have the motivation to continue on her path, whether it be college or a career.

  • Feelings of Hopelessness and Helplessness

Research has shown us that victims who cannot see a way out of an abusive situation soon develop a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and this in turn contributes to them giving up and not trying to escape or seek help. Specifically, learned helplessness is a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed and considered to be one of the underlying causes of depression. A concept originally developed by the research of psychologist and Steven D. Meier, learned helplessness is a phenomenon that says when people feel like they have no control over what happens, they tend to simply give up and accept their fate.

Women feel it is useless to come forward, because they have seen the way others have been treated. They feel it is hopeless, because they won’t be believed, and their reputations will be tainted, if not ruined. Women who have already been sexually assaulted or harassed feel especially helpless, since the chances are extremely high that they did not receive the justice they so desperately needed. These fears can cause women to think there is nowhere to turn, to feel trapped and even hopeless.

  • A History of Being Sexually Violated

Women who have already been traumatized by child sexual abuse or by sexual assault as an adult are far less likely to speak out about sexual harassment at work or at school. Research shows that survivors of previous abuse and assault are at a higher risk of being sexually assaulted again. For example, research shows that 38 percent of college-aged women who have been sexually violated had first been victimized prior to college.

Those who experienced previous abuse will likely respond to overtures of sexual harassment much differently than women who have not been abused. A friend shared with me that she freezes every time a guy makes a sexual advance towards her hoping he will just walk away. This “freezing reaction” is a common one for those who were sexually abused in childhood. And as was mentioned above, those who have previously been victimized are more likely to keep quiet about the abuse, since they may have already had the experience of not being believed and not receiving justice.

  • Disbelief, Dissociated, or Drugged

Finally, sometimes women don’t report sexual harassment or assault, because at the time of the abuse they were drugged, inebriated, or dissociated. Others may have been so drunk before the assault that they doubt their memories, and as we know, some are so traumatized that they dissociated during the attack and have only vague memories. It usually takes one woman coming forward before a woman is able to trust her own memories of the experience. Unless other women come forward to make a complaint about someone, most will continue doubting themselves and assuming they will be doubted if they report.

It is understandable that women have a difficult time coming forward for a number of reasons. These women deserve our recognition about how difficult it is and our compassion for what they have been through. Women need to be encouraged to begin to push away their internalized shame with anger and to learn how to give the shame back to their abusers.

Instead of focusing so much energy on trying to figure out why victims don’t report, it would be far more productive to ask, “Why do we allow men to continue to sexually harass and assault women?” Perhaps even more important, we need to stop asking why victims wait to report and instead focus on how we can better support victims in their quest for justice and healing.